Sein und Nichts sei dasselbe
Being and non-being are the same.
A Near Death Experience
The year is circa 1973 - 1974. I am a young girl undergoing training in film and television and have completed several films. But this has not been a good year for me. A film I participated in called "Out of Nothing" has left deep emotional scars.
I am in the operating room of a small private hospital. On the operating table, I stare without emotion at the wall facing me. There is a black and white photograph of an old man who I imagine is the founder of the hospital. I am reassured, administered anesthesia through a mask and rapidly begin to disassociate from my physical senses.
I was plunging rapidly into my body. I felt I was getting entombed. I was falling into myself and into an inner, ever expanding, deep darkness. The normal sense of time, place and space became non-existent. After I had been in this engulfing darkness for what seemed to be a very long time, I suddenly became aware that I was on some sort of horizontal escalator or a conveyor belt, that was moving incredibly fast almost at the speed of light or greater, intentionally taking me somewhere. I felt I had traversed millions of years and millions of miles. At some point during this journey I became aware that I was traveling in a pitch black tunnel. This moving through the tunnel went on for quite some time, almost an eternity. Then all of a sudden I was approaching an amazing, truly indescribable white shining, light. This light was scintillating, every particle of it alive and full of the purest, highest love. It was tantalizing, brilliant, beautiful, living and moving. This light was at the end of the tunnel or by its very presence ended the tunnel. As I came closer, still moving at the incredible speed, I began to feel a mounting sense of exhilarating anticipation. I felt I was approaching a truly great, magnanimous, magnificent and beneficial event. In complete clarity, I thought and felt, "This is what I have been waiting for all my life, this is what had been missing all along, this is why no event, no relationship, no possession, no achievement, no desire hankered after or possessed had ever felt complete. This is the reason why I have never felt fulfilled". Every bit of me desired to completely go into this living light and these thought-feelings (both one here) seemed to add an additional momentum to the escalator's speed. I sped to the Light but at the very moment of union, I heard a loud, sonorous, authoritative, masculine voice, coming into me from all directions ask,"Are you ready to die?".
When I heard this, everything came to a stop. I was aghast. I was, and had been, totally ignorant that reaching, meeting and going into this "beyond everything else" and "all knowing light", astonishingly meant my death!. I felt betrayed. Then, filled with great fear in my thinking and responding (both occur simultaneously here), I quiveringly asked, "Why must I die?" and instantaneously the Voice replied, "You must die, because you have failed to do what you promised us." (No wiggle room here. My death was imminent). Confused and frightened, I fell to my hands and knees (metaphorically speaking), and began begging for my life. I begged like I have never begged before. Grovelling like a worm beseeching a human not to stamp on it, I implored, "I don't remember what I promised, I don't know why I must die". "Please give me another chance. I don't remember what I promised!". The Voice answered. "You promised us that you would help others. You have failed to do this, therefore you must die." At this point, I was begging in a manner which could be equated to convulsive crying from my deepest depths. I had no idea what promise the Voice was confronting me with, but deep inside me, I knew that the Voice knew more about me than I did and that it was behaving justly; I was getting exactly what I deserved).
After hearing my desperate pleas and acknowledging my sincerity, the Voice, with a gesture of benevolence (like a sweeping motion of a hand in gushing wind) announced, "You have a second chance."
Everything was still very dark, accept for the presence of the Light. A hushed calmness came over me. I felt humbled, fortunate, special, in kinship and harmony with the Voice . I reverently asked," What is the meaning of life?" The Voice now changed its severe judge-like manner and became instead, a teacher. Still very just and awesome but now, much kinder. What followed was even more mind-blowing.
I found myself suspended and moving in a pitch dark, empty, endless cosmic space (no escalator this time!). I was just a tiny dot of consciousness. I had no remembrances other than that I was an "I". The only ground (metaphor) to hang on to was my "I". I was getting smaller and smaller until I became an even smaller "I". There were no reference points, no up, no down, no right, no left. Just my concentrated essence, my "I" that had been falling into and onto itself and becoming smaller and smaller. I became aware that there were a multitude (infinite) of other "I"s around me, like stars studding the sky. They were "I"s; "Ego's". These "All Seeing Eyes (metaphor), "were scrutinizing me". "They" who are the One Voice (the voice that had been communicating with me all along) began to tell me things. They transmit, convey, tell. "They" as the One Voice, with a finger (metaphor) drew a white, brilliant, fluorescent, living plasma-like, palpable-light graphic in the darkness. This was a circle. Its entire circumference moved in a clockwise manner. Then arrows were drawn on the circumference to show me the direction of movement. I then heard the following," In the beginning was The Word, and The Word was with GOD, and The Word was GOD. All things were made by The Word. Humanity cannot understand The Word. The Word is always (seeking) chasing after humanity and humanity is always chasing The Word (seeking). This is the way it was, this is the way it is, this is the way it shall ever be".
The finality and truth of this sacred communication, naturally and instantaneously dissolved my every barrier to humbleness, and, apprehending the circle, I was spontaneously made part of a dynamic living cosmic revelation. I was placed in THE WORD. It is difficult to fully describe this immersion for what it was in actuality. Adjectives and descriptions herein are only feeble attempts.
I was in, and surrounded by The Word. I was made an integral part of it but I was not "absorbed" into The Word for I fully retained my awareness as a separate I. The Word is a supremely alive, charged, scintillating, dynamic, exquisite and eternal flowing of fine living particles of true wisdom, true knowledge, eternal truth, all pervasive, all knowing, everywhere, in all, outside all, all powerful, complete, the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, that in which everything has its origin, its life and its return, but beyond which no one can go because there is a permeable membrane, a force-field like barrier and through its pores (not a metaphor) oozes out this subtle, but most substantial holy, sacred, pure, dynamic ceaselessly-in-motion energized particles that are both homogeneous and heterogeneous, fully self-sustaining and all-sustaining truth-wisdom substance; a substance which is the be-all and end-all of all that is possible for all beings, animate or inanimate. This is not figurative substance, but literally "substance". It has beingness. Naturally, this substance is not at all the material substance that we all know of ordinarily, yet it is related to it in a (some) extremely remote sense. It's some sort of living force made up of the above described lively and living particles. It is the basis of all other substances and forces as we experience them in ordinary daily consciousness. It penetrates and reverberates in all.
As I was experiencing this profundity, I began to have a strange feeling of claustrophobia. I felt irrevocably enclosed, I wanted to break through this thing-in-itself, the all encompassing Word. I felt deep within me that there is something else and I must go to it. I was drawn to The Word's cosmic boundary. Boundary, not as a metaphor but as it actually felt and showed itself to me. It is truly a boundary. I tried to go through it but was unable to. Then "They" as the "One Voice" told me that no one can cross this boundary, except that which emanates through it; The Word.
Being in The Word was discombobulating and anti-climactic, yet The Word is complete, just and fully integrated, full of reason, logic, wisdom, the container-holder of past, present and future, the all-sensible, all knowing in its every particle. I believe that the Logos substance is the actual substance of the "Other". The "Other" is the rest of the Logos or some superior and/or different part of it, that is on the other side of the boundary. I experienced this entire event in a unique state of timelessness where the Past, Present and Future are one. I was told that I had made a promise to the spiritual world, which I had failed to keep. I was told that my purpose on Earth is to help others. I was also shown my previous incarnation on Earth in great detail. I have to regain what I have spiritually lost since my last incarnation. I have also been told explicitly how I am to help others, however, this is not an easy thing to do and cannot be disclosed. There were some other instructions I was given; but being a mere human, with a flawed memory, one detailed, important instruction cannot be recalled; I see it but I am unable to read it.
Afterwords, I fuzzily saw several beings in white robes with blurred halos surrounding me. I had died and gone to heaven. "Are you angels?" I asked. Soft giggles. The blurring cleared and I saw smiling, relieved human faces. One of the docs says, "You gave us quite a scare. We almost lost you."
The operation had taken no more than an hour and a half, but it felt like I was gone for billions of years to a place trillions of miles away.
People ask me if I am claiming to know anything special about objective reality through this experience. My answer is that I was fully alert and cognizant throughout this experience. I was disoriented because of the strange timeless, other-world setting and my lack of any control over the happenings, once the process began, it was as if a mechanism kicked in during the early part of the event, that is until the light appeared.
The information given to me was just that, it was given to me, its personal. I kept it unshared for nearly 30 years, and only now, have I been inspired to share it. I share it because I feel its important in terms of what I experienced of the WORD. The manner in which the teaching occurred and the nature of its content, demonstrated its universality, therefore my desire to share it. This was to me a very real event, it was not dreamlike and not just an image related imagination or a hallucination. It was as real as this moment that I type this on my P.C., only more substantial, infinitely larger, supremely important and life changing.
Another thing I would like my audience to know is that the exquisite particles of the WORD are continually coming together and separating. It is a dynamic, not a static reality. The coming together and separating, even staying together is energy like. Infinite particles. With logic, sense, wisdom, knowing, with liveliness, they do this. Each particle with motivation of it's own, yet completely in harmony and integrated with the others. One thing.
Read other accounts of near death experiences at nderf.org
Every idea, thought and phrase in this narrative is mine, in that I experienced it. I have placed it a fixed form. If you desire to quote from it or utilize it in any research please do so with permission only.